Revival: How COVID changed families

Michigan saw 40,170 confirmed deaths due to COVID-19 between the start of the pandemic and March 2024.

Survivors processed the climbing death toll without the closure of memorial services, socially distanced from loved ones. Five years later, the invisible grief continues to bite.

This week, Stateside presents a podcast special, Revival: How COVID-19 changed us, reflecting on how the pandemic unfolded, and how we might lean into the challenges that remain. Our fifth episode recalls the grief that came with heavy, global loss. 

Epidemics’ hold on American history

Between the Great Flu Pandemic of 1918 and dysentery’s dominance on the Civil War battlefield, epidemics, and the grief they bring, are entrenched in American history.

Michael Witgen is a citizen of the Red Cliff Band of Lake Superior Ojibwe and a Professor of History at the Center for the Study of Ethnicity and Race at Columbia University. Some of his work focuses on one such epidemic that was central to America’s founding.

Yellow fever and Leptospirosis brought over by European settlers and traders killed millions of Indigenous people, Witgen said. Squanto, a member of the Wampanoag Nation, witnessed the tragedy in a particularly cruel way.

Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=6767475

Thomas Hutchinson, an officer of England, arrived in colonial America toward the end of the trading season when most of the fur had already been traded away. In need of money, Hutchinson figured he could capture the Natives and sell them as slaves.

We don’t know what happened to Squanto after Hutchinson sold him into slavery in Spain, Witgen said, but a few years later, Squanto found his way back to New England, where he also found that his people had been killed by disease.

“You really have the collapse of community, the loss of family, the loss of both knowledge about day-to-day living, but also important knowledge about sacred spiritual matters, political matters, things like that,” Witgen said. “We had a loss of expertise in some communities that could be quite devastating.”

Squanto searched for a community where he could, but thanks to the language skills he acquired during his time in Europe, Squanto was sent to the Plymouth Colony, where he leaned into his role as an ambassador among the Pilgrims. About a year later, Squanto died of sickness.

“Part of the mythology around the Squanto myth and the English settlement is that they themselves become Americans, so they're almost replacing the native population…” Witgen said. “This whole story, which is linked with family and disease and loss, has also been mythologized as part of an American creation story, which is really wild.”

Learning to grieve without a funeral

As a grief counselor, Oakland University professor Jennifer Matthews watched as the demand for funerals hit a high and the supply hit a low during the pandemic. The typical routes for communal grieving became impossible with social distancing guidelines.

People needed to learn to grieve safely, Matthews said. In Belle Isle, the City of Detroit held a visual memorial, where families drove in consecutive funeral processions past 900 billboard-sized photographs of loved ones posted around the island.

“They couldn't have traditional services like they were able to do before, which is a huge loss because there's a lot of power in being able to see someone who has died,” Matthew said. “And that helps in facing the reality that the death has occurred.”

Years later, Matthews noted her observation that kids and teens have felt rushed in processing their grief. The pandemic marked a time of “bereavement overload, where there’s just loss after loss, death after death,” she said.

Professor Rebecca Vannest, who also teaches at Oakland University, focuses her work on young people. She’s also seeing the Pandemic’s effects continue.

“I think we are going to look back on this time period as similar to maybe the Great Depression or World War II, where it was hard to find someone who was not significantly touched by the impacts,” Vannest said.

She recommended young people still working through grief try tandem journaling, a form of collaborative storytelling where one participant asks questions verbally, and another writes their responses and reflections.

“What was a happy memory you had? What do you miss the most about this person? And they can engage with that over and over again.”

Jennifer Matthews recommends several avenues to those looking for help, including Sandcastles Grief Support programs, Ele's Place in Ann Arbor, as well as community-based grief support groups.

"And I would say looking at, when looking at therapist profiles, is this an area that they are specializing in?" Matthews said. "Is it a focal point looking at continuing education?"

"But in terms of strategies, I think it's diverse. The grief experiences of people are diverse. And so I don't think there's one strategy that would hit everyone in a positive way."

Matthews added that validation, even validating our own grief, is key.

Remembering the people we lost

The right framing can turn the memory of loss into one of joy. Biba Adams, a Detroit-based writer and brand manager, lost several loved ones to COVID, including her mother, Elaine Head.

She was an Aquarius, Adams said, and her nickname was “Superhero.” Head always had her nails done and regularly attended church, often attending service more than once a week. She loved being near her granddaughter, but was at her best when with her daughter.

Courtesy of Biba Adams

“She was very compassionate, and very giving almost to a fault,” Adams said. “She was always the person that you could call, and she'd come and babysit.”

Adams adopted new traditions in remembrance of Head. Each year, she purchases herself a birthday card from her mother because she was a “great card-picker.” Since her mother’s passing, Adams has found solace in the activities Head loved, like thrift shopping and enjoying Black cinema.

Adams said she also holds her mother close by remembering her words.

“One of her sayings was, ‘Don't count the empty seats,’” Head said. “You're so worried about who didn't show up for you that you're not even acknowledging the people who did.”

Find more episodes of Revival here or wherever you listen to podcasts.